Zeke's Vaycay
by zekeyeagerisgod
Summary: Zeke is stressed out - not because of the Curse of Ymir or his responsibilities as warchief, but because nobody will pronounce his name right.
1. Chapter 1

Pieck was usually exactly right. She was exactly right so often that Zeke feared she had an addiction. When he tried to stage an intervention, she told him: "I can quite whenever I want!" And then she went a whole week without being exactly right even once, just to prove she could.

Whenever Pieck was exactly right, Zeke had a habit of saying: "that's exactly right!" Unlike Pieck, he could _not_ quit whenever he wanted – he had a bona-fide verbal tic. Even when Pieck was _not_ exactly right, he still blurted out: "that's exactly right!" And there _were_ times when Pieck was not exactly right, although they were very, very rare. She was a fast learner, however, so she never made the same mistake twice.

Except for one. There was _one thing_ about which Pieck was _consistently exactly wrong._

"Zaykay, can you pass the salt?"

"Zaykay, can you buy me some cornbread?"

"Zaykay, can you **[censored]** my **[censored]**?"

"I can quiet whenever I want, _Zaykay_!"

She simply refused to pronounce his name right. It drove him _crazy_. And not in the way it drove him crazy when she **[censored]** his **[censored]** – it drove him crazy in a _bad_ way.

Once he tried calling her "Pai-eck" all day long, to show her how annoying it was, but she didn't even seem to notice! After that he gave up.

One day Porco started doing it as well! "Hey Zaykay, what time is it?" She had started a veritable cult – a "cult of Zaykay"! After that it only spread – soon everyone in Marley was calling him Zaykay. It even caused his hair to turn white!  
"I think that's just your titan AIDS," said Pieck.

"No, it's _definitely_ because everyone is mispronouncing my damn name! And it's _your fault_ , you bitch – you started it!"

Zaykay – uh, I mean, Zeke – was so stressed out that he decided to take a nice relaxing vacation somewhere far away from Marley. He booked a room in a five-star hotel with a nice view of the ocean.

.

.

.

Before he checked into his hotel, Zeke decided to buy some ice cream.

"Hey," said the man at the ice cream stand. "Are you – are you _Zaykay Yeager_?"  
"No," said Zeke, annoyed, "I'm _Zeke_ Yeager."

"Oh," said the man. "Are you certain?"  
"Yes I'm certain!" snapped Zeke. "I should hope I know how to pronounce my own goddamn name!"

His ice cream was bitter.

Zeke decided he'd better check into the hotel before it got dark. He went up to the receptionist.

"Hey!" said the receptionist. "Are you… _Zaykay Yeager_ , legendary owner of the Bayast Titan?"

" _No!_ " shouted Zaykay – I mean Zeke, drawing stares from the other people in the lobby. "It's pronounced _Zeke_! _Zeke_ , goddammit! It's not that fucking hard!"  
"Ha!" said the receptionist. "Nice try Zaykay, but she warned me of your tricks!"  
"She? Who's 'she'?"

"Why, Pieck, of course! She told us all that you were a compulsive liar who tries to trick people into mispronouncing your name!"

"That's exactly right!" said Zeke. "As expected of Pieck! Uh, I mean, _WHY THE HELL WOULD I DO THAT?!"_

The receptionist shrugged. "That's what Pieck told us."

Zeke fell to his knees, shaking his fist at the sky. " _ **PPPPPPPIIIIIEEEEEEECCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!**_ "

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.

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By the end of his "vacation", Zeke had gone bald. The first thing he did when he got home was find Pieck. There she was, on all fours as always, ready to be **[censored]** by his **[censored]**.

"You bitch!" he cried. "You ruined my vacation!"  
Pieck was silent for a long time. Then she started to cry.

"Huh?" said Zeke. "What's wrong?"

"Y-y-y-y-you started it, b-b-baka!" she said through tears.

"What are you talking about?" said Zeke.

"You d-d-didn't say _my_ name right _first_."

"What? Lies!"

Pieck stopped crying and wiped her face with her sleeve. She sniffled. "My name," she said, "is actually pronounced 'John'. My parents were illiterate, so they spelled it 'Pieck'!"

Zeke was dumbfounded.

"I never told anyone," continued Pieck, "because I didn't want people to know that my parents were illiterate! But… if you could say my name right in private, when it's just the two of us… Zeke…"

"O-of course I can!" cried Zeke, embracing her. "I love you, John!"

"I love you, Zeke," said Pieck, as they **[censored]** their **[censored]** s **[censored]** ly. "That's exactly right," muttered Zeke as he used a **[censored]** to **[censored]** a **[censored]** , "as expected of John..." he reached deep into her **[censored]** and pulled out a bright orange **[censored]** , then used it to **[censored]** her **[censored]**. She **[censored]**. Then Porco showed up and put his **[censored]** in Pieck's **[censored]** while putting his other **[censored]** in Zeke's **[censored]**. Then they **[censored]** a **[redacted]**.


	2. Chapter 2

Everyone in Marley, as well as in **[redacted]** , where Zeke had gone on his vacation, still called Zeke "Zaykay", and it was all Pieck's fault. She wanted to fix this, to set things right, but she couldn't figure out how.

Then the Festival was announced, and Pieck had an idea.

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"And so I declare war on Paradis and stuff!1!" said Willy. Suddenly Pieck rushed onto the stage, pushing Billy aside.

"Everyone!" she said. "This joke has gone on long enough - please pronounce Zeke's name correctly now!"

Just then the Attack Titan crashed out from the building behind the stage and threw Pieck up into the air, splitting her into two pieces.

"Shit," muttered Villi. "That was s'posed to be me."

"THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT!" Zeke cried from within the crowd. "AS EXPECTED OF PIECK! OH GOD WHY!"

 _Eren, you bastard!_ he thought. _I was gonna try and save you from Grisha's brainwashing, but now fuck you!_ And he transformed into the Beast Titan right then and there, crushing a few unlucky people in the process - only Falco and Reiner, so nobody important, luckily.

Zeke charged angrily at Eren. He was so focused on Eren that he didn't notice Levi swooping in behind him.

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.

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It was a quadruple funeral. Life in Marley was busy, so they decided to save time by mourning Pieck, Falco, Reiner, and Zeke all at once. Due to budget cuts, there was only one graveyard in Marley, so they piled all the coffins on top of each other in the same hole in order to save space.

 _Plunk_.

 _Crash_.

 _Crunch_.

 _Smash_.

At the reception, Willy was the first to give a speech.

"aHEM," he said. "Since I was so _rudely_ interrupted last time, we've decided to try this again. Eren is waiting behind the wall, and _this time_ he will get the _right target_. RIGHT EREN?" He shouted to the wall behind him.

 **"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGHHHH!"** , came a roar from behind the wall.

"I'll take that as a yes," said Pilly. "Anyway, I declare war on Paradis and stuff!1!"

Everyone waited politely.

Ten seconds passed. Levi checked his watch. Mikasa yawned.

Muttering angrily, Quilly marched out of the hall.

.

.

.

"Eren!" said Zilly. "You were supposed to crash through the wall and kill me!"

"Sorry," mumbled Eren, stuffing his face, "but this funeral cake is to _die_ for."

"No! Me!" shouted Silly. " _I'm_ the one who's supposed to die!"

.

.

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While Hilly was arguing with Eren, Porco gave his speech.

"Zaykay Yayager was a great man, and Pieck **[redacted]** was a great woman," he said. "I remember the first time the three of us **[censored]** a **[censored]**. It was absolutely **[censored]**. Pieck really knew how to **[censored]** a man's **[censored]** \- that woman could **[censored]** some mean **[censored]**. And Zaykay - I'm straight, but that man was an exception. His **[censored]** was almost as **[censored][censored]** as the legendary **[censored]** of **[redacted]**."

"Ohhh, yes, don't stop, I'm almost there," said Levi, masturbating furiously.

"I don't get it," said Ms. Tybur. "How can you get off on **[censored]** **[censored]** **[censored]** **[censored][censored]**?"

" **[censored]** ly," said Levi, **[censored]** ing into his tea.


End file.
